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Thursday, 23 May 2013

Chief Inspector releases inspection guidelines

On arrival an inspector expects the following
1.    The teacher will greet the inspector with awkward non-sequiturs, thinly disguised defensiveness and a shrill speaking voice. Teachers will adopt a mid-Atlantic accent and say things like “okey dokey” and "fantabulous" to confused students. 

2.    A lesson plan. This should be no less than 4 A4 pages in length and should be arranged in a complicated counter-intuitive grid. Tasks are expected to be idiotic and pointless and pedagogy lazily presented as some kind of super power or pseudo-science. EAL and SEN students will be ignored.

3.    A seating plan. (On a printed off power point slide if possible).This should be out of date and include the names of students who were permanently excluded months ago. There should be at least one student named twice and at least two omissions leading to confusion on their entering the class. Levels will be hastily hand written under students names and must not correspond to levels recorded in teacher's mark book or the school tracker.

4.    Data sheet. This will contain no less than 25 columns of trivia including date of birth, gender, star sign and blood type. It will be colour coded so that teacher ineffectiveness can be tracked and measured.

5.   Teachers should be very nervous with a stale meat casserole smell coming from their armpits, breath and anus. It is a basic expectation that teachers' stomachs will be grotesquely distended with trapped wind.

I'm sweating like a bitch and I've just farted

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